mausam

Marari beach, Alleppey.

Another sunday, filled with silence, but not silent like before, You can hear the traffic, kids playing the basement, TV in hall,music from the bedroom, but strangely, i can still feel the silence. It fills the heart, it fills my mind, a calmness which is much needed after the noise of life. Is it six months already? Some said bad luck, some said why you always? some suggested visiting temples, and some just held the hand and stood in silence. One after the other, accidents, injury, fever, hospitalization, and then the abortion, recovery, leaving the job, joining back, again operation, and one final day i asked myself "why me" I screamed, i want to give up, i can't take it anymore, but then, i dint give up.

Recovering is more painful, i know, but then who said life is easy, but isn't it worth? I am still searching for the answers.

I want to write, again:) i want to listen to music, again, want to take out my camera, again, laugh, again, basically, trying to heal:) from the physical and emotional pain which is covering the heart like the thick fog, but wouldn the sunshine tear it away??? hoping for it.

An old diary

As i sat to write i remember nothing, think nothing and i just feel the silence of the night, It never scares me, the silence that is.. It always indulges my thoughts, it always purifies my soul, my tired little soul which is always trying to adjust to the wayward ways of life, battling the crowd and the noise. I feel lost in the crowd, Words feel like bullets and people make me feel alone.

 I have no answers for questions, i just move on with life, when someone asks me why i am the way i am, i just smile, Why? Does anyone find the answer for this? No. When the sun rises tomorrow i will wake up to the bright light falling into my lap, i get ready, I take a mask and wear it on my face, the mask of intelligence, the mask of confidence and the mask of smile and the cheerful me walks into the world, i blink for a moment at the brightness, and then i am a part of it all. 

But tonight, its just me and my thoughts, i am not lonely, i am just alone, no masks and no fear, no artificial smiles and i feel relieved, in the darkness the memories cover me up, and i just look into the sky, looking a the twinkling sky filled with stars a small smile comes on to my face, memories.....

Long back someone sent me a msg, i remember it tonight, in the silence of the night, i remember the person, i remember the words........." dooriyan jab humare rishte mein aaye, tho meri yaadein dil ka dard nahi, jeene ka sahara banao"

Old diaries, they have so much hidden in them, so many feelings and emotions just lying there, in the form of words, and some, in the form of blank pages'

I walk back into my room, closing the doors behind me, covering the drapes, i no longer can see the sky, neither can i feel the silence..... i close my old diary, its almost falling apart, i safely put it in back in to the shelf, hidden behind a pile of books, its just a memory. 

Life

Beautiful skyline, i always like this picture, from the terrace of my house, early morning, the mango groove, coconut leaves and wild jasmine in the back drop of the orange sky, just before the sunrise. Home, it just feels as if its been ages, but then life gives you very few choices, pick the one which suits you the best and then stop cribbing. I have been doing the same. And wish to continue.

Been busy? asked a friend, i had no reply, i will always be busy, that's how i want it to be but somewhere i just left behind a few things; my music, my blog, keeping in touch and generally left behind an important part of my living. Not deliberately, it was getting too difficult to handle everything and i left what i was comfortable with, because it won't hurt others, its ok if it hurts me. There was a scary C word in the family, there was work and then there was more work and with that came petty politics at work place and came the name and the fame and you just need to keep up with it all, cannot loose it can we? but then it hit hard one fine morning.
I guess there was a meeting and the chancellor was talking, i heard the line, " People won't remember that you were right 99 times, they will still talk about that one time when you were wrong"
Is it so? then what am i running for? Ppl will anyway talk, and i am not god:)

And i am back, to the world of music, back to blogging and to keep in touch, i don't know if i will be able to keep up the decision but i will try, 2010 is ending and i hope atleast the new year will bring the cheer for the tired soul.

Rain and the chilled air, the silence in the house as usual, it looks so peaceful, i am listening to Surili akhiyon wale, suna hai teri akhiyon se ,Behti hai neendein aurr neendon mein sapne,Kabhi to kinare pe, utar mere sapno se,Aaja zameen pe aurr mil ja kahin pe" Beautiful song. I wish life was simple, but then its in my hands, as always i mess it up and then i solve the puzzle myself.

A friend sent a quote in the morning " Patience and silence are powerful energies... Patience makes u mentally strong, silence makes you emotionally strong" by Abdul kalam.